A big shout out 'fuck off' to 'imaginative blokes' who live in impossibly rural American locations who want me to sign up for or chat.

The fucking carpal tunnel wrist guard Mrs. Big Straight Al is wearing 24/7 is wreaking havoc with my sex life. No tugs for me in over a month! That truly sucks! I could probably fill a jacuzzi tub with jizz, I'm so 'backed up', my eyes are glazed over! So what am I to do? I still love Mrs. Big Straight Al. Jerking off to porn is fucking boring. I don't want to web with some teenager who is more than ready to push her fingers into her shaved pussy and make herself squirt for me in exchange for my credit card number. And 'stepping out' is not an option. Remember, I still love Mrs. Big Straight Al and stepping out is just plain disrepectful. So I am literally and proverbially stuck between a rock and a hard place...with my dick being smacked hard right in the middle. And I am not into the maso scene. Somethings gotta give...or blow! Anybody got suggestions?

Oh no! Mrs. Big Straight Al wore one of those carpal tunnel wrist guards to bed last night.

That can't be good.

Can't be good for Mrs. Big Straight Al. I don't really know how effective those wrist guards are, but since she is such a tough cookie, I have the distinct impression that wearing one and popping anti-inflammatory medication like Tic-Tacs can't be a good thing.

Can't be good for me, either. As I pointed out in the past, in terms of intimacy all that I can expect now from Mrs. Big Straight Al is the occasional tug job. So now even that is in serious jeopardy!

Holy !

I took a closer look at the wrist protector that Mrs. Big Straight Al wore to bed last night. Let me just say that it would be gentler if she rubbed my dick with a decades-old crusty loofa sponge studded with shards of broken glass! And that doesn't even begin to mention the Velcro!

Unless of course you're really interested in that kind of stuff.

Let me be clear: I am not.

[Pardon me - it appears that even only writing about it has caused my dick and balls to retreat to the far reaches of my intestinal cavity - I must go retrieve them].

So to put it mildly, I am in a little sorry state.

Can anyone come and lend me a hand?

Well folks, I think I may have hit my limit of porn. I never thought it would come to this, but...

It is not that I have actually seen everything (literally or figuratively). While I may have looked at a lot of the stuff on this site and others, I am quite certain that I haven't seen every minute of porn available.

I think there is a medical term for this: 'sick weirdo living in parents' basement'.

Nor have I ever dabbled in some of the more perverse encounters people record. I have in the past admitted to a particular interest in cum shots (distance, volume, body shots, facials, less on black silk stockings). I have shied away from the fringe stuff, all stuff and I only stumble across variant stuff by accident (girls on each other, various objectual insertions, etc.).

But lately I have been less than impressed. Yes, the girls are all very very pretty...it is not about not getting a rise out of me. It's just that there is little original in what I have seen. And there is only so much erotic and nuru massage out there that peaks my interest anymore.

Guess I'm just going to have to take a virtual break (literally) and rely on Mrs. Big Straight Al for help.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Hope you find what you are looking for.

Sorry for this revelation, but I just figured this out. I kind of knew it was coming...but it hit me this morning.

Mrs. Big Straight Al was tugging away this morning and somewhere between stroking my balls and playing with my nips and her "big move" (i.e., reaching over to get the FUCKING ICE COLD hand cream) I kinda "lost interest"...my euphemism for deflation.

Don't get me wrong...I still love Mrs. Big Straight Al. Always will. But frankly, how many times can anyone's dick get excited about getting smothered in FUCKING ICE COLD hand cream before shooting a load?

Apparently for me its been about 500 times. I'm sure others could go longer and some others could go shorter. Never let it be said that I have no patience.

Honestly, I have asked Mrs. Big Straight Al to mix it up a little, but needless to say she has been . I believe the term she used was "Fuck off". I wasn't asking for much: a little titty fuck (the Mrs. has great titty fuck tits), a little straddle, maybe some labia action, a little 69 (actually a lot of 69...I love Cunn E. Lingus)...mmm cunnilingus.

But I digress.

None of it has happened. Just a farty-sounding squeeze from the ICE FUCKING COLD hand cream tube, signalling the "this better be it, dickwad-of-a-husband, you better come soon" ending.

No "happy" in "happy ending" for you. Guess Mrs. Big Straight Al has turned into the Jerk ...no orgasm for you!

(Pardon the now obscure Seinfeld reference).

Anyone want to help me out - no strings attached. Just leave your ICE FUCKING COLD hand cream at the door!

So I am another year older. Big fat furry deal...at least I can still shoot a load.

At least I still think so, although I do not have a record of 'load distance' measured in US feet or European metres.

I suspect that - like other things - I have lost distance with age. The ability to 'come over tall buildings in a single bound' has long gone.

- sigh -

I would still be happy to shoot a load across a lovely set of white teeth, up a beautiful valley created by a pair of pert boobs or over a freshly shaved pussy and onto a beautiful sculpted set of six-pack abs.

So who is delivering?

That's right can you believe it? How fucking sad is that?

Here is the back story: I get a "friend invitation" in my in box via PornHub for some smoking hot 31-year old lovely breasted blonde from Montana. Okay...whatever, I'm not traveling to Montana anytime soon (or ever) but (did I say this already?) she was smoking hot and had tits I could feast on for at least a few hours. Might be interesting.

But there was a red flag...in her profile she says something like (I can't quote it because the profile is no longer linked to my page and I have the fading memory of a gnat) "I am a good looking bloke".

Bloke? From Montana? Did you want a side of siren with that red flag?

So I accept the invitation (I repeat, nice tits) but add some snide remark that the bitch must be the only person in Montana that uttered the word "bloke" that day or that she is really a fucking tranny from Manchester.

Not that there is anything wrong with that...

So this morning I log into my account to see if there was a response and lo and fuckin' behold , the bitch is gone from my friend list.

Like I needed that. I only got ten friends, one is obviously some Nigerian princess looking for love and a passage to the west (so that doesn't count for much), so I am really down to nine.

My most wonderful buddy is an anally accomplished Aussie (shout out to straycatz) who must be a real blast at parties. I'd love to jizz on her ass a couple times, but can't afford the airfare.

I am really interested in taking a nuru-oriented sponge bath with grneyednurse one day...but I doubt my supplemental health insurer would cover it.

So I am down in the dumps with PornHub friends de-friending me faster than South Park can crack Penn State jokes (and that is fast)!

So be kind to me...a nice oily hand job would also perk me up, too if you're in the neighborhood.

What to know what the definition of futility is? Writing a blog on a massive fucking video porn site!

Ha!

Now it is not that I was expecting a profound analysis of any of my entries...honestly, I don't know what I was expecting. I just like to write and this seemed like an awesome venue for me to say whatever I wanted to say without fear of criticism.

I mean, if you are surfing Pornhub and happen to accidently read my blog it's not like you're going to post any 'high and mighty' comments. C'mon...we're all here for a reason, right? We like to see various kinds of porn and fantasize.

It's not like I'm going to dump on you because ... well, you like watching videos of hot chicks dumping on each other (even though I find that pretty gross, who am I to judge your fetish?).

I was just expecting a few more comments than I have now (n=2) and perhaps someone telling me that I was the next Hunter S. - fucking Thompson.

Guess not.

Spent the better part of the morning removing my profile from a few *free* dating sites. Fuck them...they were useless...

In fact, there were even worse than useless. They presented hot women (none in my preferred age range, mind you) that had a hope in hell of living where they said they lived!

I cannot imagine that there would be as many hot sluts, MILFs, bitches and chicks who wanted me to perform with their hubbies who currently live in Lyndhurst, Ontario.

But according to several of these sites, apparently Lyndhurst is like the current day Sodom and Gomorrah...whose streets run hot 24 hours a day with pussy juice.

Uh...no.

Even some of the profiles make little sense. Many mix and match pictures and locations with no connection to the text. I saw one that had a chickie stocking the shelves at the local ASDA. That's nice the best social program is a job I always say...and ASDAs are great grocery stores...in the United Kingdom!

Pity that, because the slut's profile said she was living in a small rural village outside Ottawa.

Bitch of a commute, wot?

So surprise, surprise, surprise as Gomer Pyle would say...it wasn't me doing the manual nasty but the dating sites that have been yanking my dick all along. I'm shocked and appalled that the online sex industry would stoop so low as to misrepresent naked girls to horny old farts like me.

It lacks an ethical lens, doesn't it?

Go fucking figure!

So it occurs to me that since I have not recorded myself in the act of fucking (nor has anyone else, either) that I must be the only guy in the world not getting laid.

And it is beginning to piss me off. My wife however could care less.

There is so much porn on-line it boggles the mind. It would be cool for some economist-slash-mathematician to estimate the total amount of on-line porn and divide it by the world's population.

I wonder what the result would be...

So let's make a few assumptions - first the denominator:

* let's only use the population over the age of 18;
* let's remove a few nations that don't have access to video-recording or uploading ability (like a good portion of China, India, North Korea and a significant portion of Sub-Saharan Africa); and finally
* I don't want to offend any Arab nations...we've seen that they can topple dictatorships through uploading videos, so why should we leave them out of this basic calculation. They obviously have the technology.

So if the basic world population is at about 7 billion (it was a question to an answer on Jeopardy! the other night), we could reduce it to about 4 billion with our exceptions and inclusions.

Now, how to figure out the numerator. it is not like there is a government agency anywhere monitoring porn. That said, I'm pretty confident that government computers have certainly been used to watch porn around the world!

I wonder if it is safe to say that there is at least 4 billion minutes of unique porn on-line in the world.

So somewhere I really should be online banging a hot blond chick and coming on her boobs and face.

Either that, or some asshole has my minute (and maybe the minutes of others) to get more than his share.

Fuck the Internet...it is keeping me from sex.

Damn.

Okay, here's another thing: I saw a nuru massage video the other day...five hours later I saw every free nuru massage video I could access on-line.

I'm hooked...add this to my bucket list and add a rocket to get it to the #1 priority.

Nuru massage combines a few of my favourite fantasies:

* absolutely smoking hot Asian babes,
* bathing/showering,
* beautiful bathrooms featuring travertine tile
* an inflatable bed
* erotic massage, and
* absolutely smoking hot Asian babes

Now you may think me a perv because of my outlandish tile selection...but after looking at a nuru massage video, I don't think anyone would want to dare to debate the incredible hotness of this amazing genre...

If I was King of the world, I'd legalize and franchise nuru massage and combine them with Starbucks and have them on every corner.

Think about it:

* everyone would be stress free and all smiley-face-like
* we'd all be clean and smell really good
* we'd all have a nice caffeine buzz

That, my friends, is a world I would be happy to live in.

Okay, I am a Class A ...maybe even a Class AA . I enjoy looking at sites like ihookup, fuckbook and others and creep pictures and profiles.

I don't know why I do it...I hope to find someone close to my own age who is hot, has snuck their email address into their profile and wants to talk and NOT TRY TO GET ME TO ENTER A CREDIT CARD ON THEIR FUCKING SITE!

Hmm? Do I sound a little sensitive... sorry. I guess I have been mislead. I must be so fucking ignorant and innocent (yep, folks, for a man my age it is still possible) thinking that I can actually get someone to chat all hornylike with me sans reaching around and grabbing not my bag but my fucking wallet.

Ha! I'm so funny its pathetic.

But I digress...

I wanted to talk about pics people decide to put on line. Nice to see tattoos, a little skins, some nip action and the occasional labia.

Enticing!

One thing though, the background is often poorly thought out. Don't get me wrong...I like drooling over wide open pussy shots or hot side views of arched backs showing off ample curves and flat tummies over which I can potentially shoot a warm load.

But if you decide on an artistic pose, you may want to first consider putting away the dirty laundry, cleaning up the computer table or not taking the pictures in front of kitchen appliances! Maybe put a sheet or a tarp in front of your household junk so that I can concentrate on your body junk.

I mean a little tact would be nice.

Am I getting a little anal? (I hope so, I's love a tight little pice of ass...again I digress).

may I'm just a little picky about my porn.

Go figure!

So in a previous post I pointed out how much I enjoy watching streams of cum flying over beautiful faces, landing on smooth tummies or straight up butt or tit valleys.

Now where was I?

Oh yeah...I noticed a recent trend of guys rampaging on various performance pussies and next thing you know...he grabs her throat or lands a open palmed hand slap across a buxom breast.

Hello? Is this supposed to be sexy, erotic or a turn on? Just as a weak cumshot can ruin a decent scene, for me a choke or a nasty slap can really ruin my voyeuristic tendancies...except its happening part-way through.

Makes my angle droop, sorry to say. What's your take?

There I said it...I like watching cumshots. I mean, I think sex scenes are great and all...but I really like the big finish...the money shot.

Does that make me a little gay? But I digress...

Its like the icing on the cake (no pun...okay maybe a little pun intended), the cherry on a sundae, the thrilling ending to a great episode of a detective drama.

A great stream of cum shot across a face of smiling teeth, a nipple-erected tit, over a nice smooth stomach, up an arched back really seals the deal for me. It make a regular scene into an awesome scene.

Alternately, a wimpy cumshot or a dripshot or an oozeshot can turn a good or great scene into a dud.

Taking it to the next level is the website (you know the one, I think its called fuckedupfacials) that features a few boys with uber-monster sized cocks who can pump more cum than your local volunteer fire department's engine on a two story fire.

Intriguing - but in my opinion just a tad over the top.

I just wonder what the typical gal thinks about getting jizzed. Is it aprpeciated? is it fun? Or is it a necessary part of the casual deal.

Just wanna know. 'Cause I like watching (and when the opportunity arises) making them!